Ways to Improve Communication and Strengthen your Relationships

There are many things that I believe that make up a good relationship. Laying good foundation is so important when it comes to a healthy successful partnership. This is my story of how the decision to improve communication saved my relationship and marriage.

I met Lucas when I was just 14 years old. You guys…that is 15 years ago….

We started off as really good friends. He was a nice, sweet guy that took the time to talk to me and pick on me (in a nice way 😉). Over the next few years we would talk often on MSN messenger. We love to go on a few bike rides around town, and shoot hoops at the west side courts. We’d wave at each other through our connecting art classrooms. He would come and visit me at my job at Express Video, and he’d let me wear his Ambercrombie and Fitch hoodie when I was cold (even though the length was pretty much down to my knees…). I think it’s safe to say now that there had been some attraction that was more than just friends.

We finally started dating February 2008 right before I graduated high school. It felt so good after all those years of friendship to finally be together…it felt….right. And then I went off to college.

End of the honeymoon phase

First year of college was so hard. With a brand new relationship and my co-dependent issues, it made me really depressed. More on that in my other blog post “I am a recovering co-dependent”. https://healthyhappyhumble.net/i-am-a-recovering-codependent/

Once Lucas graduated high school we had a tough decision. Were we going to go to college together or separate? Lucas had coaches recruiting him for their teams from all over the state but in the end he picked UW-Marinette to be close to family, continue our sports legacy/education, and our relationship.

UW-Marinette did not have dorms, however. In order to live there affordably we made the decision (with blessings from both of our parents after a few lonnnng talks) to rent an apartment together at ages 19 and 18. We were so young. So. Very. Young.

Once you live with someone you learn so much about them. You learn their goods, bads, and even their uglies. You find out you can’t just “leave and go back home” when stuff starts getting hard. Missing them becomes less and less because you see them every day. You fight about the dishes, the cleaning, the laundry…money. All of these things while trying to find your way in your own life with school, career, and personal development.

It was hard on us. Very hard on us. From 2009-2012 were the hardest years we’ve ever been through together. Growing pains I’d like to call it. We were 2 very stubborn people. We lost a lot of respect for each other and started treating each other more as roommates instead of boyfriend and girlfriend. Life was not easy back then. We made it harder on ourselves by being disconnected and unwilling to work and communicate as a partnership.

We took a break…

March 2012 we decided to take a break from the relationship. Lucas moved back home with his parents and I moved in with a work friend and we spent the next 4 months trying to navigate life in a new normal. It was anything but normal for either of us and speaking for myself, I did some things I was not proud of. But during that time we were both were able to feel what it was like to not have the other. We were able to see what we had taken for granted.

There were a few summer events that forced us to be around each other and I am now thankful for those times. We were able to talk and we slowly started to see that there was still some spark there. But if we were to start this relationship over on the right foot we both needed to commit to making some changes. And above all of the things we decided to focus on was to improve our communication.

We got back together after that summer and 8 years later (with 5 of those years being married) I’m convinced that good communication is the secret ingredient to any good relationship.

Why do I think it’s communication? There are a few reasons, but the biggest one I believe is because you can’t be certain you know what the other person in the relationship is thinking. You may THINK you know, but you are not them. So in order to make sure they’re happy, they need to tell you what they need or feel. And in order to make sure you’re happy, you need to tell them what you need or feel. So we decided to work on improving our communication.

As our communication skills got better, so did our relationship. It was hard at first because of old habits (blaming, shutting down, being defensive, not listening) but we made a consistent effort to work on being happier. In the 12 years we have been together I have not been more in love with Lucas than I am with him today.

These are the communication game changers that I felt really moved the needle for us.

Listening with the intent to understand

One of the biggest human needs in the world is the need to be understood. And yet…I believe a lot of us listen only to RESPOND. By changing respond to listening and asking clarifying questions, you get the full picture into their thoughts. This makes it easier to understand where they’re coming from. And by doing so, that other person feels heard and respected and will greatly improve your communication. Listening is a hard skill to master and it’s something we practice every day in our household to continue to make us better partners. And it has saved us a lot of arguments.

Don’t take things personal

In the past, if Lucas was having a bad day, it was easy for me to believe it was because of something I did. Which was almost never the case. Some times the other person has things they need to work on/through that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’ve learned to trust Lucas that if there is something I can do to help him he’ll tell me. I ask “Hey are you OK?” and if he says he is then I trust he is, and I don’t take it personal.

Remove Expectations

Expectations in my opinion are relationship killers and will not improve communication. I’ve set expectations in my life and I’ve always been disappointed because things didn’t go as I thought they should. To me this is similar in communication and interactions. You can’t expect to know what the other thinks because you are not them. If you expect them to do something, say something, or feel a certain way and they don’t, how do you think that will make you feel? Angry, sad, frustrated? That’s how I would feel. So I do myself a favor now and I try my best to never set expectations.

Understand that you are not always right

This one was a big one. Lucas and I were both very stubborn people once upon a time. We didn’t understand that there could be more than 1 solution to a problem, more than 1 view to a situation, or more than 1 way to do something. And we both thought our way was the 1 way. Once we improved our communication, we started to see that that clearly was not the case. We are both 2 different people with our own experiences and biases. Sometimes one of us is right, some times neither of us are right, but we’ve found with time that if we can somehow BOTH be right, that’s when we both win.

Compromise

I feel one of the best skills to improve communication in a relationship is to learn to compromise. Both parties HAVE to be willing in order to make this work. After following the first four skills I mentioned compromising is much MUCH more attainable and realistic. It’s when the work you are doing transforms to continue to make each other happy. It’s a good balance of give and take and it has changed our marriage for the better.

All of these tips to improve our communication have helped us grow into the partnership that we have today. None of these would be able to work if we weren’t willing to talk to each other. We set time aside to go on long walks on the weekend (sometimes when only lightning bugs light the road) and we talk about anything. We talk about dumb things, fun things, and (my favorite) deep meaningful things. But it took a long time and a lot of work to get to this point. Lucas and I still sometimes get distracted from the bigger picture, but these habits have essentially become automatic now. They have been worth all of the work we have done and continue to do.

What’s one way you can improve your communication?

Interested in a little more? Here’s a link to a few more tips about being a better communicator and how to communicate if you are angry. https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/communicate-better/#:~:text=You%20will%20feel%20better%20and,game%20when%20you’re%20talking.

TO ALL MY READERS

Many of you know that I have been in school to become a health and life coach. As a thank you to all of you who read my blog and believe in me, I wanted to give you this offer FIRST. ❤

In the next few weeks, I WILL BE NEEDING 2 COMMITTED VOLUNTEERS who would like to work with me as my practice clients to go through my 90 day transformation program. AT NO COST TO YOU (except for maybe a testimonial or two 😉). This will be the same program I will be offering to paid clients once I am certified. If you can put just 45 minutes to an hour aside for me each week for 12 weeks (in person [permitting] or online) and you’re committed to wanting to better your life, the skies the limit for us. Let me help you, and you will be helping me! Email jennifershomin@healthyhappyhumble.net and I’ll be in touch with you. Thank you so much for you time and your love! -Jen