Adderall Pt. 2

I’m starting this post again with the full disclosure. My parents are wonderful, caring, and loving people. They only ever wanted what was best and for us to be happy. The stories I am about to share are only from my perspective. It does not make me right or wrong, it doesn’t make their decisions right or wrong, just as it doesn’t make your belief about my situation right or wrong. My intent is to bring awareness and share what I’ve learned (and continue to learn) about myself over the past year, in hopes to bring just one more perspective to yet another ongoing controversy.

At first I didnt like how the Adderall made me feel. I started out on two 5mg tablets. Since they only lasted 4 hours, and I’m not good at taking pills, it wasn’t doing the trick and I was crashing. It wasn’t long until I was on the extended release tablets. I started at 10mgs and at one point I was taking 30mgs. For some of you, you may not know how high of a dosage that is. But I have not been able to find one that is stronger than that.

Here’s how I felt.

I was sweaty all of the time. I had pit stains the size of Lake Michigan. I would sleep for an average 4 to 5 hours a night. I would eat virtually nothing because I wasn’t hungry and I would get dizzy spells for days. I was underweight to the point that classmates would gossip about me and say that I had an eating disorder. I would drink coffee or Mountain Dew and I wouldn’t get a buzz off of the caffeine. Instead, I felt numb. I was able to bury and dismiss a lot of my problems and emotions because I wasn’t mentally feeling the pain.

But, my grades got better. I was able to focus and generate artificial motivation. I was back to getting B’s and A’s. I truly believed that I needed Adderall to be successful and accepted and it was measurable proof in my grades.

This was the new normal for my life. From middle school, to high school, to college. I can’t even imagine how much money was spent in that span on those pills. But, it was my crutch. The true meaning behind my success. I couldn’t bare the thought of facing myself off of the pills because (if I got off the pills) I would have to deal with my perception of my identity, a fraud. Incompetent. A failure.

Because of the nature of the drug, I had to go to the doctor for med checks every 3 months. It was the fall after my 21st birthday (after I graduated college) and during the check, my family doctor looked at me and said “Are you going to be on this for the rest of your life?”. I don’t think that anyone had asked me that question up until then. But I am so thankful for that moment because it started to make me think.

It had been almost 10 years of being on Adderall. 10. Years.

Since I was older, and because school was done I started entertaining the idea off of the seed that was planted by my doctor. He also reminded me of the potential problems that it could pose if I ever wanted to get pregnant. Because he believed in me, I decided that day I was going to wien myself off of the pills.

It took me 3….fricken…years.

Every 6 months I reduced my dosage by 5mgs. During those 3 years my body and mental health went through countless days of withdrawal. 30 mgs down to 15mgs wasn’t the worst, but 10mgs to 5mgs were torture. I unknowingly started getting anxiety due to the suppressed emotions and feelings that I had not been addressing. I started developing random heart palpitations, and I started gaining ALL the weight. Out of the 3 years, the last year I was only on 5mgs because I physically felt that I just could not get off of it. I started turning to coffee and soda and it would spike my anxiety. But because I had already come this far, I was determined to be freed from this jail I had kept myself locked in for the past 12 years. Could I have accomplished my goal in less than 3 years? I’m sure it could have been possible, but I was stubborn and I didn’t want the doctor’s help. This was my first true test to myself to see if I had what it takes. To prove that specifically I could set a goal for ME and succeed.

September 2014 I was officially off of the medication. At this time I was trying to get my body bikini ready for my wedding (which was February of 2015). I ate healthy, exercised, and got my sleep. But I was still having anxiety attacks and I had debilitating driving anxiety. After the wedding I fell back into my pre-wedding habits. Because I did not have the addiction to Adderall anymore I was finding addictions in other forms, caffeine, alcohol, fried food, buying bottles of nail polish. I couldn’t fill the void.

For the next 2 years I was unaware of the damage that I was causing myself. All of the years of suppressed mental trauma and the physical changes had been eating away at me. I had so much trouble focusing and being productive but I wasnt able to see why. I was merely existing and this was my new normal.

It wasn’t until Decemeber of 2018 that things started to change. If you are curious about what had changed, please go back and skim my other blogs because my cure is littered in all of those posts. But cliffsnotes version, I started giving myself the love and care I had been neglecting for all of the years I was on Adderall. I was able to do the work on myself by learning new information and being coached by mentors to learn habits and techniques that would finally start to make me feel genuinely healthy and successful. You guys, the information is OUT there (some for FREE even!) if you are struggling. People are out there in the form of podcasts, books, youtube, and music wanting to help you to be successful. More importantly people want to help you to believe in yourself because we need more extraordinary people in this world.

Do I have ADD? I don’t doubt it. But since I’ve learned ways to deal with it with tangible tools and habits and accepted that my diagnosis (or my C in 5th grade Math) does not define me as a failure or a victim, I have never been more productive and successful in my life. I have found new confidence that I can truly figure things out even if it isn’t the most conventional way to do it. But that makes me, me.

What makes you, you?