A Letter to my Ex-Best Friend (Healthy: Part 1)

Writing a letter to someone explaining exactly how you feel can be so freeing. Even if you don’t end up giving them the letter. I’ve been doing a lot of healing recently and there has been a friendship (a few of them actually) that didn’t end how it should have a long time ago. I decided to write a letter. I’m not sure if I’m going to give it to her yet but I encourage you if there are things you have not processed yet that you still think about, try writing a letter. It’s a very healthy way to process some of the pain and trauma you’ve held on to for years that is no longer serving you. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Dear Ex-Best Friend,

I know that this may be a shock to you, me reaching out after all of these years. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection and healing, and in doing so, I couldn’t help but reach out. I don’t have any expectations from this letter (you don’t even have to respond) but I still felt it was important to tell you.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that things ended the way they did with our friendship. You may not have been aware but looking back at our friendship now, there was a lot of unhealthy things going on with me that I’d like to share.

I was incredibly insecure growing up. I always felt a little different, and in some cases misunderstood. And from the moment I met you I idolized your humor, your talents, the way men looked at you, the way you did your hair, and started so many fashion trends. You were so many things that I wanted to be or have.

It was an honor to become so close with you through the years because I finally felt that I was going to be happy and belong. And it didn’t matter what you did, I was there for the ride. I didn’t oppose, I encouraged and supported all of the things you shared with me…good and bad. Because at that time I was so afraid to lose your friendship and become the invisible me again with no identity. I felt like you were the reason why people knew me, because of your outgoing personality that I admired so much.

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As we got older though, the more I realized that you too were in pain and holding on to traumas which I didn’t know how to handle.

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I thought that if I just pretended I was happy and easy going that things would just be ok. But after a while and the older we got, I realized I couldn’t be the friend that you truly needed.

I was a follower, a people pleaser, and scared of every little conflict and feeling uncomfortable. I see now that I realized that in order for me to find happiness in myself I could not be the friend to you that you may have needed. You didn’t need a friend that was trying to be you.

I see friendship so differently now, as do I see the world. You deserved a friend who could have stood by your side, and not cling to it. A friend who would challenge your actions and thoughts to try to help you see if that’s what you REALLY wanted and why you were doing it. You deserved a friend who would have spoken up and had you get the help that you needed. I was no where NEAR strong enough to do any of that for you. And because of my toxic thoughts I just knew it wasn’t healthy for me to be friends anymore.

I’m sorry that I was too much of a mess internally to sit down and tell you all of this back then. But I truly was so afraid of conflict that I felt like I would die if I did.

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I am finally at peace with a lot of my demons that haunted me for all these years and I felt like it was long overdue to share all of this with you in this letter.

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The last thing I wanted to say was that although I avoided you and our situation, I never stopped rooting for you. I never stopped rooting that you would one day find the man of your dreams that treated you right. That you would find the confidence in yourself and find a good career doing something you loved that would give back to the world. That you would be TRULY happy in your own skin and love yourself for the beautiful human that you are.

Although I stepped away, those feelings never went away. You were a huge part of my life. I still reminisce and talk about all of the genuinely good times that we had. Laughing until we almost threw up or peed our pants. The ridiculous photos. The late nights with hardly any sleep. Thank you for these good memories that I still have, and I am sorry for the bad, the ugly, and the end.

I hope you are healthy and happy. Not just surface level happy, truly happy…because that’s all I’ve ever wished for you. Thank you for reading this. As always, sending love your way.

Take care, ❤Jen