I am a recovering codependent.

I started kissing boys on the bus in kindergarten. That same year I had two boyfriends at once (I was such a player…). I had an ongoing crush on the same boy all through elementary school, we “dated” a few times on and off (whatever that meant at that age). Middle school I dated a guy for almost a year who ended up coming out after we graduated high school. And then once high school hit, I was always in a relationship. I HAD to be in a relationship.

I have been codependent for almost all of my life. I feel there are a few different ways to view codependency, so let me tell you how I define it. I believe it’s an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. My symptoms were as follows: needing to be in a relationship constantly, not being able be on my own (and being really upset when I wasn’t included on plans outside of the relationship), having their mood affect my mood, and (in my opinion) worst of all, looking for answers and validations for all of the decisions that I should have had the confidence to be making on my own.

My gay friend I dated even called me out on it once, he said “Why do you always have to be in a relationship?” When I couldn’t give him an answer he was nice enough to try and come up with a good reason for me. He said “I think it’s because you have so much love to give that you feel you have to pour everything into someone constantly other wise you don’t feel whole.” He wasn’t far off, but I realize now that I was scared that if I were alone and wasn’t in a relationship that I would come to the conclusion that I had no identity of my own. That without the relationship I had nothing to work for, no belief, no values, no drive, no purpose. I absolutely agree that I have so much love to give, but I should have been pouring that love into myself, because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

I went to school at UWGB for my first year of college. My boyfriend (now husband) was still in high school. I was on the UWGB cheer team and I made friends easily. But the amount of depression I went through knowing that I could not be with or see my boyfriend was debilitating. I didn’t go to class, I was kicked off the cheerleading team, and I was put on academic probation by the end of the first semester. I went part time second semester and moved back home to work and be with Lucas. When he graduated he was getting recruitment letters from multiple universities to play ball while attending school. In the end, he made the decision to play at UW-Marinette so I could be with him/go to school with him. I believe deep down I held him back. I am still trying to forgive myself for that (hence, recovering codependent).

During one of Lucas’ basketball games I was in the stands cheering him on (as I always have) with friends and family there to support him. The week prior UW-Marinette put up a billboard on the highway going to Gillett with Lucas on it! It was phenomenal, I was so stinking proud of him, and proud to be his girlfriend. We were talking about it while we were watching him play and I said “I think that is so amazing, I would love to be on a billboard like him!” Someone that was sitting close to me heard me say that sentence. He said to me “And for what reason would YOU be on a billboard for?”….I wish you could have heard the tone, I can still hear it in my head. Besides the fact that that question could be viewed as incredibly rude and sad, it wasn’t the question that I see now as the problem. My answer to that question was the problem. After that question was asked me to, I thought about it, and my answer was, “Nothing.”

It makes me so incredibly sad writing that. Because my answer wasn’t only about the billboard, it was about how I viewed my life as well.

I started working on myself in December 2018 with a mission to find myself. And when I mean “find myself” I mean that I find the things that I want to do, what my values are, what my beliefs are. Because (I hate to say it) before December 2018 I honestly couldn’t tell you what those were. And then I had a crazy idea. I wanted to run a half marathon.

I had never run before in my life. Other than gym class, but let’s be real, that’s not the same thing. I told a few of my friends, my husband, and they all expressed their concerns. “It’s a lot of time to commit!” one said “Why don’t you start at a 5k first?” another said, “It’s going to ruin your social life!” .

This was the test. This was my mission. I wanted to do this, for ME. If I could train and run this half marathon despite all of the concerns and disapproval of everyone else, if I could DO THIS I could prove to myself that IF I WANTED IT, I could make it my identity. Whatever I wanted my identity to be, I could believe it into reality.

When I was rounding the corner of the last little stretch of the half marathon, I began to tear up. It was my decision to run, and I was doing it for a cause. My identity at that time wasn’t a “runner”, it was a woman who believed in herself. After 13 miles of non stop running, I sprinted to the finish line and I LEAPED across it with my hands in the air celebrating my new life. My life of belief in myself.

I truly believe that in order to have an exceptional relationship, solo work to become full and whole as an individual is crucial. I would go as far as to say that I believe to be truly happy in a relationship you have to be able to understand that you will be able to FUNCTION on your own. That if you did not have the other person, you would be ok. Because if you believe that, you no longer see your husband as a need of survival, you need to talk to him, you need to see him. You do all of those things because you truly WANT to. You are CHOOSING to. You as two WHOLE people come together to do life TOGETHER. Not because you both are needed to complete each other, but because you compliment each other. Bring out the best in each other. Challenge each other. Cheer for each other. Dream with each other.

This Sunday my husband and I will be together for 12 years, and married for 5. I didn’t know how I could possibly love him more than the day I did on the beach in Cabo where we said I do. But I do. I love you so much hun and I can’t wait to see what we grow into 12 years from now.