I’m Sorry!

One of the most frequent words I use in my vocabulary is “Sorry”. Up until about a year ago, I think I may have used this word more often than the colorful swear words that I KNOW you all know I use. I would constantly apologize for multiple things to others, even for things I literally had no control over as if it was somehow my fault. I was (and occasionally still am) that person in a department store that (even if I’m out of the way and stationary..) will apologize when someone runs into me. What am I apologizing for? For existing?

I remember friends specifically in high school get mad at me for how much I said “I’m sorry”. “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY I’M SORRY?!”…..”I DON’T KNOW, I”M SORRY!”…school was a struggle for me. Friends were a struggle for me. My main goal was to have a lot of friends and make it a point to get everyone to like me, which I realize now was incredibly unhealthy.

It killed me if I found out that someone did not like me. I would alter my beliefs, go along with any decision, and immediately and continuously apologize to people for things just to try and keep everything non-confrontational because I couldn’t bare the thought of people talking about me behind my back. I was so worried about everyone judging me for what I was or wasn’t doing, and it wasn’t because I was judging them (I wasn’t), but because I thought their judgement of me defined my worth and my value.

Because of this fear I poured a lot of my energy into so many friendships. Some amazing, some very toxic, some completely one sided. The belief I told myself was that if everyone liked me and the more friends I had, meant I was a good person. It was my validation.

It wasn’t until I had heard a quote in a podcast one day that started to change my perception.

What people think of you is none of your business.”

Regina Brett

This quote was so powerful that it started to change the way I looked at how I went about my friendships. It helped me to find my voice when I wanted to run a half marathon. It helped me to follow through with cutting back on drinking. It helped me to create this blog. This is because I finally was aware that people are going to think what they want to think about you whether you are able to defend yourself or not. And not everyone is going to like you or agree with what you do, because they’re not you! And I finally was ok with this concept because my new belief was that even if someone didn’t like me, did not mean that I had no value. As long as I believed I had value, then I did. Simple!

I wanted to spend my new found freedom and energy developing deeper relationships with friends, family, and with myself. And I found my own way to describe it.

I have heard these two quotes a lot. “You are the average of the 5 people you hang out with” and “80% of people don’t care about your problems and 20% of people are happy it’s you that has them.” I took ideas from both of these quotes and created my own thoughts. And this is what I’ve been living by.

80% of people in your life care. But they will not care about you like you can/do about them. The remaining 20% are the people that will make time for you and you make time for them, and you have a good relationship. Of that 20%, you draw some boundaries and you find your 5%. That 5% are the people that put YOU in their top 5% also. That 5% will support and encourage you. They will be a mirror of accountability but that accountability will come from a genuine place of wanting what’s best for you. They will problem solve with you and push you to be a better you. They do not compare themselves to you but instead learn from you and with you. They’re intentional with you and check in with you. And because a friendship is a two way street, these boundaries should come from both sides.

That 5% can and will change, and sometimes there will be someone who you really want in your top 5% but you’re not in theirs, which I’ve had to accept as well, and it’s ok! You find your people in the seasons you need them most. And seasons change.

By focusing on my 5% (as well as myself) I have been able to fill my cup. I’m able to harness the energy of the love and support from these deep relationships that I no longer feel the need to gain acceptance from every person I encounter as means of validation. Because I know deep down that I am worth it, and I’m surrounded by people that love me for me.

What does your 5% look like?