I’m the reason we don’t have kids.

Never in my life have I baby sat a child by myself, I have never changed a poopy diaper, and I am never the first one to say “Can I hold your baby?!”. In fact, mothers would ask me if I would like to hold their infant and I respond “No thank you, I’ll probably drop it, or make it cry.” The most common response I would get in return was “It’ll be different with your own kids.”…but never did I dream of having my own kids, nor did I ever see myself as a mom.

I understand that this could be a very sensitive topic. I know first hand because it’s been one of the most avoided, guilt driven, and sore topics for me for the greater part of the last 7 years of my life. In no way do I intend to offend or cause pain to anyone by telling my story. Everyone has their own journey and struggles and I am not trying to discredit those. This is my story, my perception, and my beliefs that I’m still working on today. I also wanted to address that my husband has been nothing but supportive, understanding of my reasons, and on the same page with me after all of these years together.

I have been together with my husband (Lucas) for the past 12 years. Of those 12 years we have been married for the last 5. Given the length of time that we have been together, it is quite often that the topic of “children” is brought up while catching up with family and friends…understandably. I would try to brush off the questions and be vague with my answers. I have even told some of my friends a date that we would start trying for kids, just for that date to come and go and…yep…still no kids. What some people didn’t know however was that the thought of having kids was one of the worst long running fears that I have ever had.

No, it wasn’t a fear of changing the diapers or dropping my kid that made me shutter away from the desire. It was a fear of not fitting into the square box that society has formulated for “good” mothers, and not having a strong enough backbone to stand up to (or not care about) the judgement that I could potentially face if others disagreed with how I was raising my kids.

I know that there are moms out there that always put their kids needs above their own without question. I already know that that is not going to be me. I have learned in the past year that if I truly want to be the best version of myself for my husband and my future kids that I need to fill my cup first. I also know that there are moms out there that put their kids before their spouse. I already know that that is not going to be me either. For me, I believe that in order to show up best for my kids I need to have an extraordinary partnership developed with my husband that is continuous and intentional.

I am also career driven. I realize that this is probably one of the biggest hurdles I will face, but this is very important to me and my mental health. But to try to raise a family and have a successful career? People are going to have their opinions and their values will be different than mine on all of the above. And I can finally say, after all these years that I’m ok with that, but holy crap it’s taken a long time to get to this point.

Just because you believe or do something different than your best friend (or anyone for that matter), does not make you (or them) wrong or right. You are two totally different people with different values. It is so important to be confident in what you believe in because it is YOUR life. It’s not going to make you a failure as mom if you decide not to (or can’t) breast feed, it also does not mean that you are parenting WRONG if you decide to have an in home nanny.

If there was one thing that I am certain about, it was that my self doubt was so strong and the feeling of failure was so high that I would not have enjoyed the one thing that many have described to be “the most beautiful thing you could create.” I had to find the confidence and belief in myself that it will be ok, that I will be ok, that my family will be ok no matter how different it may be from the square box.

What are you afraid of doing that may go against other’s beliefs?