The Birds and the Bees

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This is the most personal post I have ever written. To me it is raw, honest, and may be hard to read at some points. But the message is still something that I feel so passionate about to be shared. With this post, it isn’t my intention to hurt anyone or to make anyone feel like they have not parented their child well. All parents I fully believe do their best with what they have and know. And I know that this topic is not easy (to say the least). My hopes with this post is to (going forward) prompt conversation and promote safe, open, positive communication when the opportunity calls for it.

Thank you for taking the time to read, and for your strength and courage to make this world a better place.

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I’ve heard the term “late bloomer” quite a few times in my life. Not so much when I was really young, I think I was told I was average age when I started walking and talking as well as when I started to lose my baby teeth. But I was a little slower on the puberty side. I didn’t NEED to start wearing a bra until 7th grade (although I totally started in 5th grade feeling SO cool in my white sports bra), and I didn’t get my period until the summer before high school (I literally thought I was never going to get it). But that didn’t stop me from discovering early (in my opinion) how to…..masturbate.

I was between the ages of 6-7 and it was a complete accident. I had an itch, and like so many other children I started messing around grabbing this and grabbing that trying to relieve the itch. I must have explored the itch just a little too much because that’s when it happened…no warning signs or build up…I had my first orgasm. I had NO idea what had just happened and I had no idea what it meant. All I knew was that it felt REALLY good. So naturally, I kept doing it! I was hooked. Even though I didn’t know what it meant, I felt that it was probably “bad”. Why? Because I didn’t see adults going around touching and rubbing themselves down there and definitely no one was talking about it. So with those observations, I figured that no one should know what I was doing. So I did what I thought was best…continue to do it in private.

Well one night I got a little daring when my dad and I were traveling somewhere. I couldn’t tell you why, but I was in the back seat and it was dark so I decided to do it. Why not right? Well….I got caught. Surprised right? It was only going to be a matter of time! My dad asked me what I was doing and I immediately replied with a cracked tone “Nothing!!”. I was so embarrassed, I didn’t know what was going to happen and I really just wanted to disappear. My dad didn’t say anything else to me about it that night. I thought maybe he had forgotten or wasn’t going to ask me about it further. PERFECT, I was in the clear!! Well, the following night my mom sat down with me at the kitchen table (which we never do) to talk. Crap.

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At this point as the reader I ask you to please, please do not judge or shame my parents for what they decided to tell me. I was 6 years old. I didn’t know any better and I completely understand why they did what they did and where they were coming from at that time. Please remember my belief is that all parents mean well and do the best they can with what they have and know.

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I could tell you she was totally uncomfortable. I don’t blame her one bit. I was just caught masturbating in the car which was incredibly embarrassing. What if I started doing it in school, in front of other kids and parents, in church? I am willing to bet that no parent is ready to deal with a situation like that, but yet, here we were! At that point, my mom explained to me that if I kept masturbating that I would get internal sores and that the doctors would have to go in and surgically remove them. The surgery is a very painful and very embarrassing procedure so it would be best if I stopped. And for multiple years, I did stop.

Within those multiple years “the talk” was given to us at school in 5th grade. I purposely didn’t get my permission slip signed to attend because I was afraid that kids would find out what I’d been doing to myself. So instead I sat in the library like with the 5 other kids that didn’t get their permission slips signed. While the other 100 or so learned about anatomy, how to use condoms and pads, and the importance of deodorant (thank God).

My mom did sit down with me to have the rest of the talk since I missed it in school. I know she was still uncomfortable but since I was now in 5th grade (and thanks to a few of my friends at school and a few movies) I already had the general idea of “the talk”. I remember her saying “You know more than I thought you would!” which could be viewed as good for our sake (the talk was short and sweet) but could it have been good that I had learned it from here and there?

8th grade was the 2nd round of sex-ed. Low and behold I missed the day we were shown the “puberty VHS tape” due to a “stomachache”. I was still so embarrassed about everything (even though my teacher was awesome) I just couldn’t face it. I developed a stigma and shame around all things pleasure with myself which stayed with me for many years.

I did end up figuring out many years later the incredible health benefits of orgasms and how big of a role pleasure plays in sexuality and your intimate relationships. I found out specifically that it is a healthy and normal necessity but absolutely there is a time and place for it. Boundaries are also important as well (that could be another whole blog post). I’ve learned what I like as well as allowing myself to embrace sensations without the shame I had been putting on my shoulders, but it has taken me some time. I managed to change my view with a lot of education from books and listening to other real speakers. They empower and teach women about the feelings to explore and how love themselves fully…not just about the anatomy.

But given what I’ve shared and learned, when is it the right time to have these conversations with our kids? What’s the secret answer? Well……It all depends! Every child is different! BUT I encourage you as the parent, if you have that opportunity, to have open communication about ALL of it. You are your child’s greatest source of information. I understand 100% that the conversation is hard and uncomfortable (I know from the kid’s perspective it is, I can only imagine what it’s like for the parent…but I don’t think it would be any easier) but I personally would much rather have my child learn this education from me rather than their friends, internet, or movies. An open relationship with good communication may or may not encourage more sexual behavior, but (even though I’m not a doctor) let’s be honest, it’s human nature…we all know this. Kids are going to explore, experiment, be curious about it, and do it anyway. I just proved to you that I sure did!

It will not be easy when I go through this with my child but communication is everything to me. It can provide protection, clarity, hope, and above all it can make a positive difference.

How were you taught about the birds and the bees?