While being present at a typical social gathering event in Wisconsin, would you like to see a handful of people become instantly uncomfortable around you?…..Don’t drink an alcoholic beverage.
Now if you’re a guy around your buddies and this is the first time, you might get a lot more than just people feeling uncomfortable. If you’re a woman, the next thing out of people’s mouth might be “Are you pregnant?”. And then if you say no, then it might become more than just people feeling uncomfortable.
I started drinking when I was 20. I didn’t drink in high school because I was so paranoid that my parents would find out and I would be grounded forever. Going to school in a small town, not being the best at sports, not being a partier, not having the best grades, and being involved in the arts, I honestly felt like a misfit. My main group of friends were very good in school/music and were nice enough to include me. But I never really felt like I fit in. I perceived that a lot of my friends knew what they wanted to do with their lives by sophomore/junior year, had so many scholarships, and knew where they were going to college already….and here I was flying by the seat of my pants, no idea where I was going. I was very co-dependent during that time and my life revolved around my intimate relationships (but that too is another upcoming blog post…). I just didn’t know what my one thing was.
Then I started to drink. And guess what? I was good at it.
I could drink a LOT. I was able to hold my own with the guys and impress them. I was a self proclaimed drinking game champion and people wanted me to be on their teams. It gave me the confidence to talk to people and feel a sense of numbness but at the same time acceptance with whoever I was drinking with. I was addicted to my feeling of being in community with people while thinking I didn’t have anything else to offer unless I was drinking/drunk.
But as we all know drinking has its consequences. I would drink until I threw up. I would easily have multiple day hangovers. A lot of my friends can tell you sloppy stories of me making an ass out of myself. Including my husband, he definitely has the best(or worst) stories.
I realized about a year ago that the reason behind my drinking was completely unhealthy. I had believed that if I didn’t drink, I would no longer be liked or fit in because of the lifestyle I’ve made for myself over the past 9 years. I would lose my friends, and my social mechanism that allowed me to connect with people. So I put it on the back burner.
It wasn’t until I decided to do something I never had done before that completely changed my belief on so many levels. I decided to train and run a half marathon. I posted a little bit about it on Facebook but I fully intend on writing a blog about it in the future because I learned so much about myself in those 3 months that it deserves its own post….I digress. I decided to use training as an excuse to stop drinking on Friday nights when we went out for fish because I would have a long run the next morning. Which wasn’t a horrible reason because (if any of you run you know) how much alcohol can mess up a long run.
In the beginning, it caused controversy. Family and friends didn’t understand (mostly because a lot of them have never run) and made them feel uncomfortable. But instead of just saying to them “I don’t want to drink.” and had an actual excuse, I feel like I got a better reaction than I would have had I just decided to stop drinking for “no reason”. I do understand that a lot of them just wanted me to continue to feel included. And that’s where the uncomfortableness stemmed from. But after the race was done and I still wasn’t drinking, I did notice people starting to act different around me because of my choices.
Wisconsin has a reputation for binge drinking. We all know it. But when and why did it have to get that way? After going through all of this I’m so very curious why that is a thing. Because after all that I went through, I know that it never benefited me. Once I stopped drinking I had to get comfortable being able to connect with people without liquid courage, and you know what? After a while, I did. You do, if it is that important to you…and it was for me. Because I wanted to remember the conversations with my friends and family while having social gatherings. I didn’t want to have my whole next day shot because I couldn’t get out of bed until 3pm. Because I didn’t want to be only known for the amount of alcohol I could drink. And I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of having more meaningful and deep relationships than just getting fucked up all of the time, because I do have more to give and share.
I know there are worse relationships between people and alcohol out there than what I personally dealt with, but this blog is specifically about me. I have said to so many friends and family members these last few months that I DO NOT CARE what anyone else decides to do while I’m around them (not drinking). The only thing I would ask you to do for yourself if you become aware that you may be in a similar situation like I was, is to ask yourself this question.
Am I doing this for an unhealthy reason?
Dig a little deep and determine if that is the case. If you are, I challenge you to ask yourself if it’s serving you. And if you decide that it’s not serving you, I want to extend the support and courage to you to make a change in your life. People do adjust around you, and if you ask for help or for accountability I know there are people that care about you and will do that for you. Myself being one of them.
I partied with some of our longest friends this weekend with sparkling water in a red solo cup, and I almost peed myself from laughing so hard. I’m grateful for the place I am now, my new normal.
Are you surrounded by people who will support you?