This one time at band camp…

I was once in a band….with 3 of my closest friends in 4th grade. My nickname was Tornado and we were called The Caution Girls. We “wrote songs”, crafted music videos, made some melodies, but I don’t remember us ever sitting down and jamming out (we didn’t even know how to play recorders yet). We shared a love of music and wanting to be famous just like the artists we listened to. Honestly in my opinion it was just another bond we formed within our little click to give us something else to do together. And just like all bands we eventually split up, but my mind was made up. I was going to become a famous singer when I grew up.

I love to sing, just like a lot of people do. Singing was something that I was good at and was noticed for. It was something that my sister was also into! Because of that, I was heavily involved in the arts in middle and high school. I had been playing piano since I was 8 and picked up the flute in 6th grade. You don’t know how many people have asked me about band camp. I lived for solo/ensemble and solos at choir concerts, I played piano/sang at church, and I’ve also sang the National Anthem at sporting events. Music was and still is a big part of my life. It’s a motivator, expression of how I feel, and can easily give me the chills when certain chords are played in sequence. I was also voted most musical of my 2008 graduating class.

Once I graduated, it was time to take everything I learned and make my dream a reality! It was time to become famous! Except…I realized I hadn’t really learned a lot! Sure, I knew how to sing in tune and read/play sheet music, but I hadn’t the slightest idea on the next steps to take to MAKE IT BIG. I was honestly just expecting it to happen, that the opportunity would just present itself all based on the sole fact that I loved to sing.

The second week in college I was trying to decide if I was going to be a music major. I went back and fourth for days, but in the end I couldn’t pull the trigger to commit. Me. The one who dreamed about being a singer my entire life. I was scared of failing and I felt like a fraud because I never had wrote a real song before. I could barely even play the piano and sing at the same time!…I thought that everyone who was famous came out of the womb being able to do that stuff. But even still, I was not in the least bit excited to start the process and it actually made me anxious. I couldn’t even get myself to work up the courage to try out for American Idol (even though my sister and I said that we’d do it together). That was the final sign that I wasn’t going to make my dream happen.

I set high expectations to become a famous singer in my life. And when I decided that that was not going to happen, I went through a crisis (most of the years between 2008-2018 that you’ve been reading about for a few months now). I had spent so much time dreaming up this big dream but never taking the steps to truly move the needle, but I didn’t even know any better. I didn’t realize that if I was setting any expectations at all, instead of having expectations on how things were going to turn out (which were things out of my control), I should have set higher expectations for things that I could control like my work ethic, my attitude, my belief in myself. THAT’S how I should have been moving the needle.

In December of 2018 when I decided to release control of the self expectation that I HAD to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, things started falling into place. I dabbled in this and that and started EVALUATING what made me most happy, not anxious. After some evaluation, self reflection, and self development, I came to the conclusion that although it was my dream to be a singer, it would not have made me fulfilled. I love to sing, but that was about as far as my passion could take me on that journey, I had to let it go, and I’m finally ok with that. It is a fun hobby and skill but not something that is in alignment with the career I want for the rest of my life. And if I were to tell my 4th grade self this, I don’t think it would have ruined her life. It maybe could have even given her the opportunity to remove the blinders and explore and develop some other talents she didn’t know she was good at.

Things may not turn out as you expect them to, they sure didn’t for me. The art behind it isn’t making EVERY single thing happen the way that you want it to, but it’s about how you are able to handle it when they don’t. Expectations for outcomes can set you up to be let down, but you have the choice either to 1. Stop the expectations, or 2. Re-evaluate and listen from the lesson. I’m sure there could be more than those two choices, but those two are what I feel will serve you the most in your life. They have for mine.

Is there an expectation that you need to release yourself from today?