4 Ways to Stop Being A People Pleaser

I am a recovering people pleaser. I literally couldn’t even imagine what my life would have been like being even 10% less of a people pleaser years ago. In my opinion there could be multiple reasons why “people pleasing” forms. For me, it started because I wanted to be liked by everyone.

I wanted to feel like I did everything in my power to make everyone else happy. To me, if I made people happy that meant that they liked me, and that proved I was worth something. It didn’t matter who the person was, it gave me the validation that I was a good person.

For years I let other people’s opinions and suggestions define my life and decisions. By doing so, I lost the connection within myself along with my voice, thoughts, and feelings.

It takes a lot of energy to be a people pleaser…

I gave so much energy to pleasing others that I was pouring from an empty cup. My self esteem and confidence became non existent. I felt like I needed to rely on everyone else in order to live a functioning life. But hey, as long as people liked me, that proved I was a good person, right? To be honest, at my lowest point I don’t think I believed I was a good person anymore. My identity had been pleased away and I stood as a girl with no voice and no thoughts of her own.

Awareness is a beautiful thing. After reading many personal development books I realized that how much I liked myself was worth way more than how much others liked me. And at that time, I didn’t really like myself. I ate terrible things, I drank way to much, I gossiped, I put other people down. I also have very low integrity. Then it hit me. How could others truly like me if I didn’t even like myself? Once aware, I finally started making changes. It started with growing my confidence in myself and putting myself in remission from being a people pleaser.

These are the ways that helped me overcome being a people pleaser.

Stopped caring what other people thought of me

I know “stop caring what other people think” is easier said that done, and each person will have to stop caring in their own way. But once I was able to do this, I was free. Everyone has their opinions about everyone else. I’d rather spend my energy working on MY opinions and decisions about myself. Because my opinions and decision are my thoughts and I have control over them.

Stopped over explaining myself

I’ve learned that saying “No thank you” is a perfectly good answer to a question. Since I was uncomfortable disappointing people, I felt the need to overshare my explanations. But really, it’s OK to say no and leave it at that. We have the power to share what we want to share with people.

Accepted that not everyone will like me

In my eyes I could do everything right to make a person happy, but because that person is a completely different person than me we might not click. And that’s ok! I made the decision that at the end of the day as long as I like myself and I’m living in alignment with my values, I am happy.

Gave up anticipating what people wanted from me

I used to use so much of my energy trying to figure out what people wanted. It was exhausting. I gave up trying to be a mind reader! Unless someone communicates and tells me what they want from me, I simply don’t worry about it, and I do my own thing. On the flip side, I now practice telling people what I want so that way they don’t have to be a mind reader also. This practice is out of my people pleasing comfort zone, but I’m worthy of asking for help or time or connection with people.

Sometimes I am still a people pleaser…

I still struggle with people pleasing. For instance, today was a long day and I really wasn’t feeling like writing this blog tonight. I was actually thinking about just posting one of my oldies but goodies from when I first started blogging since I now have 25 blog posts! But I felt like I would be letting people down. So instead, I told myself I’d keep this blog short and give you the option to read this oldie but goodie that tells more of my people pleasing story https://healthyhappyhumble.net/im-sorry/.

But I still wanted to write this post and highlight the tips and tricks to hopefully help other people pleasers out there see that it’s OK to say no. It’s OK to take a break. If it’s not doing it for you, then don’t do it. But be honest with yourself, listen to yourself, and above all trust yourself. If you aren’t pleasing others, it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. And it’s not other people’s opinions that define you. You have the power to define yourself from within.

What is something you can say no to right now?